Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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