I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize