My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
