I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I stole a fireplace last night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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