Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
