There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
