i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
