The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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