Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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