I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
