Im at strip club and am horny
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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