Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
