Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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