we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
