I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
