A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
