i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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