The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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