only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
