I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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