I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
