He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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