I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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