Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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