M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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