Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
