Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
