He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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