if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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