She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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