I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Randomize
