Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
