I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
