Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
