I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
