i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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