After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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