I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
