Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
