Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
