my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
false alarm. still invincible.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
