just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
