God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize