He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
