My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
