i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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