Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
