you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
