I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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