this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
