do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
