hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
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