Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
