she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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