just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
