rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
