if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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