Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize