just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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