its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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