So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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