my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize