Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
