why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
please don't ironically join a cult
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