My sheets look like a crime scene.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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