Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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