life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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